Chief Complaint

There was a time when I was a more naïve man than the one who sits before you today, and in the first week of working in the emergecy room someone signed in proclaiming for the world that their heart hurt…and I foolishly believed him.

I had just experienced my first crash course in emergency medicine. A chief complaint is less revealing than a dirty movie from the 60’s.

This was either a man in a lot of pain, or a smurf merely stating a fact.

The attending physician and I entered the room to find a man standing in front of the stretcher grabbing…um...let’s just say that he was doing his best Michael Jackson impersonation. We should have known better, but we found out once again that this was not a man to mince words. When asked what troubled him the man replied simply, “I got blue balls.”

Well, that’s funny, because my penissylvania has been itching too. God, I hope I haven’t caught the same thing. The patient was asked when her last menstrual cycle was. She looked up at the doctor, thought purposefully for a moment or two and responded, “Oh, it went off like the end of March.” IT WENT OFF. My God, her vergina must be like a volcano.

I, for one, get particularly miffed by such a chief complaint. Not because of the staggering abuse of the emergency room but because in my capacity it is my duty to cut off the crusts and cut the sandwich into little triangles, just the way he likes it. This man is smarter than you I. He knows that emergency rooms are not filled with heart attacks or strokes so much as sniveling babies, anxious teenagers and people using cocaine complaining that their face is numb. By the way, that is not a cause for concern, only a cause of repeat business with that dealer.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a new favorite chief complaint! This is a no-brainer for me. Peanut butter and jelly never made me laugh, and Batman and Robin got me beat up several times in high school . Has there ever been a more intriguing pairing than “back pain/suicidal”?

My role in the ER is a simple and tedious one; to document and chart each patient’s visit. I’m basically the Ringo Starr of the Emergency Department. Do I serve a purpose? Yes, but if you replaced me with a piece of cardboard it would be equally as efficient.

Behind all the emotions and all the chief complaints are people; people with insurance and people without insurance; people who use the system scarcely and people who abuse the system mercilessly; people with health concerns and people with emotional concerns. Above all else the emergency room is a study of people.